yeah.

hmmph.

nothing to say really.

not in a particularly good mood but not in a particularly bad one either.

would you like me to go into it?

if not then press 'x' now.

if so.. then keep reading.

my so called best friend opal..

has done EXACTLY what jak did to me..

but to her (now ex) boyfriend.

and she said she understood how i felt coz it's happened to her.

no she doesn't.

fuck it.

i was at carvers today doing PE.. and he was there and all my friends started shouting insults.

then he got his girlfriend to come down..

just like..

he does it on purpose to make me feel like shit.

i have to try & be happpier.

yeah & i fell out with lara too.

gotta get my life sorted out tbh.

one little painful step at a time so...

-lara

-opal..

-jak

-being happy

-the guy situation.. like.. who  i like etc.

-start thinking about work experience

and the not so painful things that need sorting:

-clothes 

-khianna's party. alcohol+outfit

-bloc party

-london with lara.

okay well i'll fuck off now & talk later

xxxx

fuck.

i have a LOT of explaining to do.

in the last few months.. well.. i wished they never happened.
i wished i just. i dont know.. stayed at home.. or didnt text back.. then it would've never happened.

okay so like.. march or something..
jak asked me out.
i said yes. of course.
because we grew so close.
.. atleast i thought so.
he meant.. what.. everything to me. and i was one of the only people who actually believed in him. and people told me that. he told me stuff about him which wasn't true. and i believed him.

so fucking naive.

i'd like to think what we had was special.. but i guess to him it wasn't.
he moved on pretty quickly.. well.. the next day.
and that's.. surprisingly.. not what hurt the most.
what hurt the most was him lying.. just about random things.. anything.
i don't think he ever cared... because how can you 'care' about someone so much and then dump them.. just like that.. and go out with someone else.

so i'm thinking.. wtf? he said all that shit to me about how i was so amazing etc.. bullshit.
if he meant it he wouldn't've done that..

and that just makes me feel ever more shit about myself.

so it's been a few weeks now.
we're not talking.

i see him around.. and i want to talk to him.
because he's forgotten about me.
i haven't forgotten about him.. nuhuh...

it's hard for me to move on ..


i have to try and be happier. coz apparently the reason he dumped me was because i was always down.. so yeah. it's pretty hard to be happy when i'm getting constant reminders.

msn me.. talk to me.. make me happy?
a.v.a@hotmail.co.uk


big kiss x

okay..so..

i haven't posted a blog in about a month..

let's see..

i failed my exam to go to boarding school...

which was a shame but good stuff came out of it.

nothing's going to happen between me & dan..

nuhuh. :L

which is a good thing in some respects also 

because i got to know jak.

and he is amazing tbh.

he properly cares about me..

and its great...

because no one ever has really.

not that much.

anyways..

half term now.. haha.. went to what i thought would be holly's party last night. her dad turned up before it started and told everyone to piss off. haaa. so umm.. (this is going to be hard because i don't remember much..) me, zoe & jak went oh yeah.. to the rec and then we left i think to go to keskins... ummm.. or this other place called dr. doolittles. wow. its fun there.

before i came out i had one of those little bottles of vodka and i mixed it with redbull... eeeeeek. its nice but its horrible too because it makes you feel funny.

then i cant remember what i had after that.

i can remember jak walking me to my house & that took aaaaaaaaaages. but it was great.

i have this massive graze thing on my hand.. and a burn.. what happened???? 

ahhrghh i hate not knowing.

anyway i woke up at an insanely early hour... you ready for this..?? 8:20!!

what the hell.. it is inhumanely impossible.. ahhhh.

i am sooo tired and in pain i couldnt get back to sleep. 

i slept with my makeup on.. ewww.

i need to see lara today, she'll look after me won;t she.

i love lara... she is amazing.

okay well i'm off to go say morning to my mother & possibly give her a big hug for letting me stay out later.

big kiss. x

19. at school.

OKAY!
well, in tutor, dead bored, so i thought i would post a blog.
had a bit of an issue with someone this morning but i dont think i'm meant to speak about it in a blog so don't worry. ha.

i have a gcse parents evening tonight which should be fun. haha.

!!!

okay..

woah.

i haven't posted a blog in a while.

but here it is.

okay so on sunday i thought.. yeahh.. i have to take a test to go to boarding school.

i thought it was in june or something.

they call me up on monday..

and tell me..

IT'S THIS FRIDAY.

i was in shock haha.

i started crying... dick'ed.

because the thing is.. and no-one really understands this, is that i want to go to boarding school more than anything in the whole world. it's my lifetime goal, so far.

(that.. and to marry robert pattinson and have his babies. corr)

so.. thursday night.

i'm so worried about tomorrow.

i have 4 exams. and 2 interviews.

bollocks.

i am quite proud of what i'm wearing though.

looks nice.

so yeah.. canford..

crossed fingers, eh!?

tbh.

hello.. what.. the few people that actually read this.

today i went to school.

my god.

tutor.. didn't do much.. read elle magazine.

english .. we talked about time & the truth .. oh.. and what is fact and what is opinion. and chris was annoying me because he kept contradicting EVERYTHING. 

umm forgot what i had second period.

double music tech is the most boring thing in the world.

no one good is in my set except effie..

ms. blondel HATES ME. and tbh, i hate her.

she just cant be bothered with me.

I DIDN'T EVEN CHOOSE MUSIC TECH.. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO DO IT?!?!

spanish was funny, as always.

and maths was bloody boring today.

his voice just annoys me.

and the way he says: H

i hate people to say H-aych.

its said like fucking AY-CH!!

i really want to go to canford.

i'm doing a test for it soon i think :)

i'm really ill!! well..

the painters are in.. if you know what i mean.

ahaha. i hope you don't know what i mean.

it hurts like hell!!!!

i'm listening to kings of leon - use somebody REMIX

it's amazingggg.

anyways, going to love you & leave you.

xxx

the last few days.

wow.

okay well..

yesterday was funny.

had PE.. yaaaawn. what is with that bloody teacher? she gets back from maternity leave. and HELLO... FUCKING STRESSY. told me off for having a hoodie when it's like.. -6 degrees. and FREEZING. god. but i didn't do PE because i have a hole in my foot. (long story)

then maths was great because i brought in a whole packet of chocolate digestives (asda brand) and me and ikaa were trying to eat them without crunching too loud. and he didn't realize we had them anyway. i love sitting next to ikaa in maths. we just have so much fun and don't get ANY work done. we eat.. talk.. doodle.. and.. throw biscuits at veronique. HA.

umm the rest of the day was boring. french assessment. & english assessment. YAWN.

i got moved around in literally all my lessons. i hate it. because i have to sit next to weirdoes, except maths because i sit next to jess. ( L ) haha. 

but it was okay because i didn't have homework. i never get homework. it's cool.

at 6 me and my parents & brother went to the aita's for dinner. it was really cool. i was talking to tiffany who is my friend with amazing hair. and had great fun.

it's weird having a dinner party on a school night. haha.

today was boring.

mr. kalim is a shit with halitosis and he makes me want to puke.

mrs. partridge is a bitch. i hate her.

AARRGGH.

got home and put my sparkly head band on. and took some pictures. 

then went downstairs and mum's friend louisa was here. so i talked to her for a bit.

then mum told me they were going to london tonight.. so home alone tonight. well, when i say alone, i mean with my dad and brother, but seeing as they are zoned out on x-box i am basically home alone.

rice pudding for tea then. :)

i reeeeeeeeeeeeeaally want those urban outfitters glasses. 

they are nerd glasses. but they have leopard print frames. LUSHHH.

and i want another prada bag, because mine is getting a bit olddd.

my foots hurts.

and so does my tummy.

xxxx

13

today was my first day back at school.

it was funny.

but, i got really annoyed in french because i always sit next to lewis burrell.. and he's really funny. we nevr get any work done. just chilllllll y'know?? 

and JUST BECAUSE.. umm.. i didn't catch up with one tiny little table that i knew already.. (she treats me like a spaz when actually i'm really good at french) i got moved right to the front, and i have to sit on my own.

and lewis gets to sit with all of his mates!! and it's soo fucking annoying.

because i hate being a loner in lessons. god.. this paragraph sounds SO childish.

ANYWAY.

fuck it i'm going to keep complaining.. i think i have the right to seeing how my day went.

don't you just hate it how some friends tell you they love you, then bitch about you behind your back.. i do.

AHHRGGHHHH!!!

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING.

i think i will talk to harry taylor.

he makes it all better.

FOR FUCK SAKE.

fucking stressed.

the day before yesterday, i thought everything was going to be alright..

like.. i felt really happy for once, like there was nothing that could bring me down.

haha.. WRONG!

fucking idiot.

i'm not going to name names because i'm not a stupid twat like he is.

soo angry.

btw.. no red writing. that isnt bitching because i told him to his face.

HA!

11

okay, so i have this friend harry.

he can't spell & he eats turkey dinosaurs, but i still love him.

he's bloody funny.

& he made a blog.

click here for his blog.

10

"today was a blur, a stressful, serial blur." -- mean girls.

haha.

well.. i was late for the bus because my mum was being a dick.

AHHRGGGHHH.

so i made her take me in the car.

we went ice skating.. and it was raather funn.

i didn't fall over because i'm PRO.

rather tired now and it's only 6 o'clock.

time for 'Maximum Security Boarding School Is No Place For A Girl'

(don't worry, it's a thing between me and jess.. not for you!)

jess & i decided to write a story.

well.. i said i would write it, she's going to think of ideas.

going ice skating today.

quite fun tbhhh.

phone pictures.

new phone. took some pictures.

 

i feel like shit.

it's 10:09 am and my brother woke me up because he was practically shouting at my dad about his gun. is there any reason why they have to have a shouting conversation? and they weren't having an argument or anything... just a normal conversation.

my head hurts.

last night was weird.

my whole family had this massive fight.. and my brother went phsyco and punched me in the face.

he's only 10.. he shouldn't be allowed to go phsyco.

hmmm.

6

me.

my name is ava montagu hawkins.

well, it doesn't say montagu on my passport, but it's mums maiden name.

and because i'm half spanish i will  put it. because that is what the spanish do.

and i'm not ashamed of my heritage.

i am 14 years old. my birthday is on the 11th december.

i go to ringwood school.

(i am not stupid enough to meet up with an old pedophile over the internet.. so if you think that stalking this information will make me want to meet up with you.. you're WRONG.. wrinkly man!)

for my GCSEs i have chosen: art, art textiles and psychology. 

i have chosen art & textiles because i am really good at those.

thats not boasting by the way, i'm just believing in myself for once.

psychology really interests me. A LOT! 

i love the way people's minds work. and i like finding out about it too.

i have my style. i like to wear preppy clothes.. like pencil skirts.. navy cardigan from GAP, and plaid shirts. but i like just wearing hoodies and uggs too. it sounds like i dress exactly like everyone else. but i don't really. sometimes i go for retro. sometimes i go for nu rave. whatever.

some people say i dress a bit like the queen.. with cable knit cashmere jumpers & pearls. ha. i like pashminas.

i like no other colour on my nails than red.

but my favorite colour is blue.

my music taste isn't a REALLY wide variety, but it's not all the same thing.

i listen to bloc party, florence and the machine, pull tiger tail, MGMT, the kooks, laura marling, hadouken!.

i have two pairs of shoes that i ALWAYS wear.

my little white plimsoles.

and my recently acquired black boots. they are like the ones kate moss wears.

5

okay.. saturday 3rd january 2009.

today my parents, my brother and i went to a pub. 

it was okay i suppose. we had some chippies and some coke.

ha.

then we walked back to the car (which was parked a while away) and took the piss out of mum & dad for the way they run. it was really funny, and i felt happy.

on the way back i spoke to drogo. he's always so sweet and loving.

and when we got into ringwood we passed these cackers.

and i said:

"ooo.. lezzer cacker meeting, watch out!"

i regret saying that.

then this frumpy woman walked past. her boobs were down to her elbows.

and i said:

"frummmmmmmmpy!!"

i regret saying that too.

i got home and now i am writing this blog.

[oh yes, i thought seeing as i haven't really introduced myself i will do on my next blog.]

4

i just realized why i do this.

it's a bit like... therapy?

well, that's what I'm going to call it.

3

today.

today i did the usual.

i went into town.

it was me, zoe, becca, jess mason & khianna.

to be honest, they are pretty awesome girls.

we were talking about patronizing.

[i do that a lot.]

i don't think it's wrong. it's a way of showing you appreciate someone.

and whichever way you say it, people are always going to find it patronizing in some way or another.

we bought some chips from the chinese place.

the guy in there is weird. he speak chinese to his co-workers.

but he speaks to us in english, with a scottish accent.

how does that work? 

then we sat in the graveyard talking about skins.

and how khianna's mum hedge-jumps.. ?

and also, how then & there we looked like the skins cast.

long story short; we went to megan loader's house.

watched some films. and chilled out basically.

god that sounds stupid after i read it back to myself.

mum picked me up, we went to waitrose.

i saw this girl in waitrose..

she kept giving me evils.. she had a short skirt on and a hoodie

& backcombed hair like a sloaney.

she kept looking at me when we were at the checkout.

what's her problem?

i came home and read some more of my story on the internet.

it's amazing, me and jess are both hooked.

i had ratatouille, rice & fish for tea.

and i realized i hate the cold.

i want it to die.

2

the reason i have decided to call my blog notorious is because i think, without flattering myself, that it is a really good word to describe me.

a lot of people know me.

& a lot of people don't like me.

or.. they don't know me for the good things that i have done.

let's just put it that way.

i am making this blog because my new years resolutions are:

a) to lose weight. 

b) to stop being a bitch.

c) to get into boarding school.

okay.. so b (and possibly c) is the only one that will really show in this blog.

i know EVERYBODY says this.

but i actually mean it:

new year, new me.

how terribly cliche.

1

no⋅to⋅ri⋅ous

   [noh-tawr-ee-uhs, -tohr-, nuh-]

–adjective

1.	widely and unfavorably known: a notorious gambler.

2.	publicly or generally known, as for a particular trait: a newspaper that is notorious for its sensationalism.